Check your relationship ratio

Prominent relationship researcher, Dr. John Gottman, has discovered that there is a “magic ratio” of 5 to 1 involved in the interactions of happy couples.

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"A couple may argue sometimes, but other times they can also laugh and tease each other, and there are signs of affection because they have made emotional connections.”

John Gottman

Substantial research involving thousands of couples has shown that in happy couples, any single negative event between them appears to be countered by five positive events.

Unhappy relationships are defined by criticism, lack of support, less appreciation and affection, and lower interest in their partner. While there may be more positive interactions from time to time, their occurrence is still not frequent enough to counteract the effect of the negatives.

For example, it will always take several gestures of approval to outweigh the effect of one episode of criticism. Without this, the partner is likely to remain feeling resentful and unappreciated. The negativity will sit like a wedge between the couple.

There are eight factors that can be targeted for improving the quality of your relationship and increasing your ratio of positive to negative:

1. Show interest – show that you’re listening and interested in what your partner is

saying. Give eye contact.

2. Show affection – simple, spontaneous gestures. Say how you feel.

3. Show you care – practice random acts of kindness. Leave notes, make a surprise

dinner arrangement, keep them informed, and show you care if they are upset or

worried.

4. Be appreciative – remember what you appreciated about your partner when you

first met. Notice what they do and thank them. Compliment your partner.

5. Endeavour to understand – listen carefully and completely. Ask questions. Reflect

your understanding back to them.

6. Be accepting – you may not always agree with each other, but you can still

respect each other’s opinions. Be careful not to resort to put-downs and criticism.

7. Foster more playfulness and fun – well-timed humour and playfulness lighten the

mood as long as it isn’t sarcastic or at the other’s expense. Sharing funny memories is an effective way to engender togetherness.

8. Consciously focus on the positive aspects of your partner – monitor your

interactions. If you detect that your ratio is tipping too frequently toward the

negative, remind yourself to focus more on the positives.