Conversation killers - why exchanges may turn pear-shaped

Have you felt that other people around you seem to be tuning out of conversations with you, or worse still, does it seem like they are actively avoiding getting into deeper exchanges with you?

#conversationkillers #theartofconversation #negativity #connectingwithothers #habitsofspeaking #engagingothers #engageyourlistener #watchyourwords

Over time and we can develop habitual approaches to conversations and preferences for topics that not only alienate our listeners but can cause people to avoid us altogether.

Your speaking can have the effect of being a powerful connector or an instant alienator.

If your conversational modus operandi has been infiltrated and habitually characterized by one or more of the shortcomings*, it may be worth checking the list below to see if your conversation consistently contains any of these elements. It may also explain any difficulties you experience with really engaging with and connecting with others.

1. Gossiping – Have you always got a juicy or bad story about others who are not present? The pay-off for the gossiper can be that they feel better about their own shortcomings; that they are trying to undermine the listener’s opinion toward the subject being talked about, or that the gossiper is enjoying sharing a bit of pleasure at another’s misfortune.

Don’t forget that your listener may seem to take in what you’re passing on but is likely to be thinking that they too may be the subject of a similar conversation when they are not present. A lack of trust in you the speaker can seriously affect a willingness to engage or to develop a closer friendship.

2. Judging – Are you quick to criticize or judgements about other people in your conversations? If you find yourself habitually pointing out the faults of others you will undoubtedly undermine the confidence of your listener to want to have open discussions or to share certain things about themselves with you. What may intend to be an observation on your part, can easily slide into sounding like a judgement. Be aware that your listener may become wary of having deeper chats with you for fear that they too may be judged.

3. Negativity – This person looks for all the reasons why you shouldn’t do something, or why situations are impossible to change. If you are unhappy in your own life, the negativity can easily translate into the tone of your conversations. Negative conversations are draining for the listener and may have a detrimental effect on their mood and motivation. Friends should feel uplifted after seeing each other, so if you find that people are avoiding catching up, this common sin can be the cause.

4. Complaining – This is an element of Negativity but has the added characteristics of anger, resentment, and discontentment with it. Always having something to beef about, the Complainer is a difficult conversationalist to engage with because it won’t matter what you say, nothing will change the course of this chat.

5. Excuses - This person is full of “Yes, buts…..” They tend to transfer blame and accountability onto everyone but themselves. The defensiveness that accompanies this trait means that the speaker can possibly deflect blame onto the listener; a significant killer of conversation.

6. Lying - The conversationalist who consistently stretches or distorts the truth. If this trait is obvious to listeners, they will begin to question everything you say in their minds and they will be unwilling to engage in a conversation that is fictitious and lacks integrity. No one wants to be forced to play the role of propping up the ego of the speaker

7. Dogmatism – We all know someone who has lots of opinions and expresses them as facts. The dogmatic person will not entertain any other opinion that is contrary to their belief in their own perspective or knowledge. The self-righteousness and arrogance that accompanies dogmatism becomes a one-way conversation very quickly and potential listeners will see you coming and go the other way. It’s important to remember the James Schlesinger quotes, “Everyone is entitled to his own opinion but not his own facts” and be mindful of tempering your opinions and delivering them in a way that encourages discussion.

Do a check of this list and see if any of the above characteristics may have crept into your speaking. Only by awareness of their existence can you then modify or eliminate them from your conversational approach and engage your listener in more connected, engaging, and satisfying chats experiences that they will want to repeat.

*Julian Treasure https://youtu.be/eIho2S0ZahI