How to have difficult conversations

Have a difficult issue you want to bring up with someone but don't know how? Or maybe you've tried and it always goes pear-shaped. Here's why, and what you could do differently.

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We have all experienced times when we needed to have a difficult conversation with someone.

There can be a feeling of dread at having to raise a touchy issue, to talk about something that needs to change, or something that has gone wrong between you and the another person. Just the thought of initiating a difficult conversation with a partner, relative, friend, colleague, or an adolescent or adult child, can be anxiety-provoking and overwhelming.

We can react to the prospect of having a difficult conversation in three basic ways:

1. We can find the courage to instigate the conversation

2. We can behave toward the other person in ways that we hope will prompt them to realise that something is wrong and lead them to initiate the conversation themselves, or

3. We become completely avoidant of either the topic or the person.

The first option is, of course, the most functional response. The second reaction will often involve passive-aggressive behaviour which is not conducive to opening up communication. The third strategy of avoidance invariably leads to misunderstanding, alienation, and resentment.

The way we choose to resolve issues is heavily influenced by our family of origin.

Looking back at your childhood/teenage years can often reveal the patterns of resolution and non-resolution that occurred between family members. This does not mean however, that you cannot modify or radically change your own approach to sorting out issues. Self-awareness is a key step to changing what we may have learned.

What holds us back from having difficult conversations?

There are numerous specific reasons why someone may not choose to discuss the "elephant in the room". Most of them originate from fear:

Fear of bringing up things that you think have passed

Fear of opening up old wounds

Fear of being wrong

Fear of owning a mistake

Fear of losing power and control

Fear of not knowing what to say

Fear of jeopardising the relationship connection

Fear of looking stupid

How to initiate those difficult conversations

Preparation is key here:

Planning how you want to start the conversation in advance is best: "I'd really like to talk to you about..." or "We really need to talk about..." are good openers.

You can then agree on a mutually suitable place and a time that you can both dedicate to this talk.

If you are the initiator, you want to have a clear idea of what has prompted you to instigate the conversation. Inviting the other person and allowing them to know in advance is far better than starting a difficult conversation unannounced and out of the blue.

Ground Rules

Be physically at the same level.

You should be all seated, or all standing so as not to give off a power imbalance by "towering" over the other

Speak directly to the other person and give good eye contact.

Be composed, relaxed and attentive.

Be aware of your emotional state.

Be careful to avoid a "harsh start-up", where a conversation is initiated using criticism, contempt and an aggressive tone of voice. Feeling wronged or hurt can significantly influence how we express our thoughts and we can come across the wrong way. Endeavour to speak calmly.

Remind yourself of the objective of this conversation.

It's not about assigning blame. It's about being understood. Avoid gestures like finger-pointing. Name-calling, insults, yelling, put-downs, sarcasm and threats are also counter-productive. An essential to healthy communication is mutual respect.

Avoid over-generalisations

Steer clear of using terms like; always, never, everything and nothing. Over-generalisations tend to come from strong emotional feelings and will only serve to inflame a discussion making it more difficult for each party to really listen to each other.

No interrupting.

Make an agreement to let each person have their turn to express and respond without being constantly interrupted. Consciously listen to each other so that you really understand where the other is coming from.

Reflect back what the other person has just said in your own words.

This will confirm to them that you have heard and understood their sentiments.

Ask for clarification

If you feel you have not understood their point, say "I'm not sure I understand" or "Could you repeat that please?"

Don't focus on ascertaining who's right.

If the conversation becomes a competition, then it's about a winner and a loser. This leads to aggression and defensiveness, neither of which lead to open-ness, empathy, or mutual understanding.

Keep to the topic.

This commonly happens in difficult conversations and often arises from defensiveness or poor grasp of what the issue really is. Avoid straying off into unrelated sideline issues. It will only hijack the original reason for the difficult conversation.

Don't walk away from the conversation without a mutual agreement.

There can be moments of silence and possibly even a time-out to gather thoughts and to collect oneself.

Own your feelings.

Rather than seeking to blame the other person for the way you feel, choose statements beginning with "I feel..." rather than "You make me feel..." In actual fact, no-one can make you feel a specific way. That's a choice.

Avoid assumptions.

Don't assume what the other person is feeling or what their internal experiences may be. The only way you will know this is by asking and listening to them.

Allow for people to change and grow.

Expect that you may have to re-negotiate or have other difficult discussions with the same person as both your needs or life circumstances change, and as you evolve as human beings.

And finally, be aware of limitations.

You cannot control how your conversation will be received. The only thing you can control is how you conduct yourself and the level of reasonableness and maturity you can bring to the table.